It took us quite some time to find a Burmese boater who would take us into an area not frequented by tourists. My travel companion, a photographer, was determined to capture images of the long-necked women of the Padaung tribe. We had purchased enough Kyat on the black market to entice a young man with a motorboat to take us closer to the tribe. After some time, our guide neared the riverbank and motioned toward the village. We had just spotted a small house raised high off the ground on wooden stilts when a yelling woman came quickly around the corner. I was stilled by the sight of a native woman whose neck was encircled by glistening bronze coils. Suddenly, a uniformed soldier stepped from behind the trees and struck the woman with the butt of his gun.
Hiding in the forest, we heard the gunshots and desperate calls now common among the minority tribes of Myanmar during this nation’s civil war. The lives of these minorities, I learned, had suffered from the implementation of the horrific forced minority labor policy. The feelings of compassion welling up inside of me marked the burgeoning of my interest in international affairs.
I have since learned much about the problems facing Myanmar as well as other developing nations. Upon returning to school, I shifted my focus within my anthropology major to study the medical challenges of impoverished populations. I researched topics from pharmaceutical dumping in underdeveloped countries to the health practices of illegal Mexican aliens in the United States. Through traveling abroad, I developed a more focused interest in the health concerns of displaced populations and low-income settlements.
Even after graduation, I continued to seek an understanding of health on physiological, societal and cultural levels by taking undergraduate courses that were not required for my diploma. Now, working in the legal division of Pfizer, I am gaining a comprehensive understanding of the role that large pharmaceutical companies play in helping attain and sustain adequate health standards in developing nations.
My experiences have now brought me to the realization that my ultimate goals of establishing and maintaining proper health administration and policy are best fostered under the umbrella of international public affairs. I would like to bring my first-hand understanding and education to fruition under the discipline of The New School’s Master of Arts in International Affairs. My substantial knowledge of all of development’s challenges will provide a solid foundation to support my healthcare focus. Your program will provide for me not just the coursework necessary to obtain this knowledge, but a platform from which I can pursue my passion for improving the lives of people in developing nations. With the resources available in your program, I will be equipped not only to support current relief efforts, but also to instigate further changes addressing the needs of today’s -- and tomorrow's -- populations.
点评:
文章第1、2段用一个故事引人入胜,使读者不得不对当今的国际时事政治作一番思考。正是这一奇异之旅激发了作者在国际时事政治学习上的兴趣。文章第3、4段则叙述了作者旅游回来后针对国际一些热点问题进行了更深一层的研究。而在毕业之后,某些相关课程的研读和在公司法律处的工作经验让作者对国际时事有了一个全新的认识。而文章的最后一段直奔主题,明确自己的目标,表明自己的立场,并暗示自己若能入读NEW SCHOOL将来能为学校所创造的价值。
优点:
◆ 虽然文中没有太多华丽的词句,但作者却可以清晰地把自己要研读国际时事专业的动机展现在读者面前;
◆ 事例的选材比较好,以自己的一个恐怖经历来阐述自己要攻读国际时事专业的动机,同时也能使读者深同感受,对当今的国际时事政治作出思考。
缺点:
● 形象塑造不鲜明
文章花了很多的边幅说明自己在国际时事的兴趣上,却没有着重从自己对国际时事认识上说明问题,所以看完了整篇文章之后,对作者没有一个比较深的印象,只记得作者对国际时事比较感兴趣;
● 泛泛而谈、缺乏专业水平
文章的第3段阐述作者自己在国际时事领域有所研究,但只是做了一个概括性的说明,究竟是研究了些什么呢?读者无从知道,只是对作者研究的宽度有个大概的了解,至于深度作者并没有做一个相应的说明;
● 理由过于牵强
文章第4段用了大概60多个字概括了自己为国际时事研究所作的努力和自己的工作经验对于自己的专业学习所起到的帮助,但这些事例的说服力明显不大。原因一,研读相关的国际时事课程对于没有专业学习背景的人来说是必要的而不能算是额外的努力;原因二,在一个法律处工作对于作者在国际时事上的认识的提高是有限的;
● 文章结构不合理
文章给人一个两头大、中间小的感觉,作者花太多的笔墨在事例的引用和意图的解释上面,但自己在国际事务上的认识和研究反而一笔带过,这样的文章结构安排显然是不合理的,不能很好地突出作者学术性的一面。
译文:
1.我们花了很长的时间才找到一个缅甸船夫能够带我们去一个以前旅游者未曾涉足的地方。我的游伴是一名摄影师,他决心要在那个地方拍摄到Padaung部落长颈女人的照片。出发之前,我们已经在缅甸的黑市市场里兑换了足够多的缅甸币,只有这样我们才能诱使拥有摩托艇的年轻男子把我们载到离这个部落比较近的地方。一段时间过后,我们的导游就把我们领到河边并启程向部落村庄迈进。我们慢慢地向村庄逼近,当我们发现岸上有一幢高高拔起的小木屋的时候,一名妇女就一边大叫一边从角落里走出来。我被这个脖子上套着反光青铜圈的土著妇女给惊呆了。突然,一个身穿制服的士兵就从树后面走了出来,并用枪头敲击这名妇女。
2.看到此情形我们就躲进了森林里面,不久我们就听到了枪声和嘶声力竭的叫声,这种事情在缅甸这一个闹内战的地方而且在少数民族部落里面是时有发生的。据我了解,这些少数民族深受国家制定的有关少数民族的强制性的劳动政策的迫害。由此而引发的同情萌发了我对国际时事的浓厚兴趣。
3.至那时起我就深切地体会和认识到缅甸和其他发展中国家所面临的困境。回到学校以后,我从从前对人类学专业的专注上转移到贫苦地区人民医疗问题的研究上。从不发达国家的药物倾销问题到驻扎在美国的非法墨西哥移民的健康习惯问题我都做了相关的研究。通过出外旅游,我对流离失所人们的健康问题还有低收入人们的住房问题就越来越感兴趣了。
4.即使是在毕业之后,我也通过上一些大学的课程来继续我在心理,社会和文化健康领域上的学习研究,虽然这些课程都不是我的学位所要求上的课程。现在我在Pfizer公司的法律处工作,公司让我渐渐地对于大型医药公司在帮助发展中国家获得并维持良好的健康水平所起的作用有了一个比较全面而综合的理解。
5.我的这些经历让我意识到我的最终目标—建立并维系正确的健康管理体制和政策,只有在健全的国际公共事务体系的保护下才能得以真正的实施。我想通过在NEW SCHOOL攻读国际时事专业的文科硕士课程来实现我这个目标。我对发展所带来的挑战的充分认识将会有助于我在健康领域上的学习。你们的课程将不仅为我提供相关的学习,也将作为一个平台让我可以继续热衷于这份工作,为提高发展中国家人们生活水平而努力。在你们学校现今可利用的资源下,我将不仅会在你们学校原有的研究领域上努力,而且还会给你们学校带来更多和更深一层的改变,这个改变将会是着重研究当代和后代子孙的需求上。
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