文书点评：塑造自我——A Formation of Self

A Formation of Self

Before even touching the camera, I made a list of some of the photographs I would take: web covered with water, grimace reflected in the calculator screen, hand holding a tiny round mirror where just my eye is visible, cat’s striped underbelly as he jumps toward the lens, manhole covers, hand holding a translucent section of orange, pinkies partaking of a pinkie swear, midsection with jeans, hair held out sideways at arm’s length, bottom of foot, soap on face. This, I think is akin to a formation of self. Perhaps I have had the revelations even if the photos are never taken.

I already know the dual strains the biographers will talk about, strains twisting through a life. The combination is embodied here: I write joyfully, in the margin of my lab book, beside a diagram of a beaker, “Isolated it today, Beautiful wispy strands, spider webs suspended below the surface, delicate tendrils, cloudy white, lyrical, elegant DNA! This is DNA! So beautiful!”

I should have been a Renaissance man. It kills me to choose a field (to choose between the sciences and the humanities!). My mind roams, I wide-eyed, into infinite caverns and loops. I should fly! Let me devour the air, dissolve everything into my bloodstream, learn!

The elements are boundless, but, if asked to isolate them, I can see tangles around medicine and writing. The trick will be to integrate them into a whole, and then maybe I can take the photograph. Aahh, is it already there, no? Can’t you see it? I invoke the Daedalus in me, everything that has gone into making me, hoping it will be my liberation.

Music is one such element. The experience of plying in an orchestra from the inside is an investigation into subjectivity. It is reminiscent of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle: the more one knows the speed of a particle, the less one knows its position. Namely the position of the observer matters and affects the substance of the observation; even science is embracing embodiment. I see splashes of bright rain in violin arpeggios fading away in singed circles, a clarinet solo fades blue to black, and a flute harmony leaves us moving sideways, a pregnant silence, the trumpets interrupt with the smell of lightning. Perhaps in the audience you would sense something else.

I think of rowing as meditation. Pshoow, huh, aaah; pshoow, huh, aaah. I can close my eyes and still hear it. We glide over reflected sky… and lean. And defy the request for “leadership positions,” laugh at it, because it misses the entire point, that we are integral, one organism. I hear the oars cut the water, shunk shunk; there are no leaders.

Once I heard an echo from all quarters. “Do not rush,” said the conductor, “follow the baton.” “Do not rush,” said the coach, “watch the body in front of you.” Do not rush.

I write about characters’ words: how they use words, how they manipulate them, how they create their own realities; words used dangerously, flippantly, talking at cross purposes, deliberately being vague; the nature of talking, of words and realities. Perhaps mine has been a flight of fancy too. But, come on, it’s in the words, a person, a locus, somewhere in the words. It’s all words. I love the words.

I should be a writer, but I will be a doctor, and out of the philosophical tension I will create a self.

点评：

This essay is a good example of an essay that shows rather than tells the reader who the author is. Through excited language and illustrative anecdotes, she offers a complex picture of her multifaceted nature.

这篇文章是一个很好的例子，它除了告诉读者作者是谁外还展示了许多其他东西。通过充满激情的语言和说明的例子，她把自己不同方面绘成了一幅复杂的图片。

The writing is as fluid as its subject matter. One paragraph runs into the next with little break for transition or explicit connection. It has the feel of an ecstatic stream-of-consciousness, moving rapidly toward a climactic end.

文章的写作随着主题而变动。段与段之间的联系很强，几乎没有断层。就好像是在感受一股让人兴奋的意识流，很快的向着最后的高潮移动。

The author is as immediate as she is mysterious. She creates and intimate relationship with her reader, while continuously keeping him/her “in the dark” as she jumps from one mental twist to another.

作者能很快的让人觉的有一种神秘感。她能和读者建立一种关系，当她在几种思维中跳跃的时候能让读者对之不甚理解而陷入深思。

She openly exposes her charged thoughts, yet leaves the ties between them uncemented. This creates an unpredictability that is risky but effective.

她把自己充满感情的想法写公然地出来，但想法之间的联系没有很好的解释。这带着一些不确定的风险，但是，却能让人印象深刻。

Still, one ought to be wary in presenting as essay of this sort. The potential for obliqueness is high, and, even here, the reader is at times left in confusion regarding the coherence of the whole. Granted the essay is about confluence of seeming opposites, but poetic license should not obscure important content. This particular essay could have been made stronger with a more explicit recurring theme to help keep the reader focused.

每个打算写这类文章的人应该注意，这样写的风险是很高的。这篇文章的读者会感觉到文章的整体思维有些乱七八糟。文章写了关于表面上相反事物的汇合，但是诗歌不应该忽略掉重要的内容。如果能有一个更直白的主题来帮助读者聚焦的话，这篇文章会更好。

In general, though, this essay stands out as a bold, impassioned presentation of self. It lingers in the memory as an entangled web of an intricate mind.

大体上说，虽然这篇文章充满激情的介绍了自我，显的十分出众，但是总是停留在思维阶段的写作使人觉的有些复杂和难以理解。

译文：

塑造自我

在接触到照相机之前，我就列了许多我想要拍成照片的影像：带着水珠的蛛网，倒映在屏幕上的鬼脸，拿在手上的镜子中能看到我的眼睛，拍摄小猫跃过镜头上方时肚子上的花纹，升降口盖，手里手着一块半透明的桔子，牛仔裤的中部，长发斜斜的垂在手臂上，脚底，一张都是肥皂泡的脸。我认识这些类似于塑造自我。也许我可以从中得到些启示就算我从来没拍过这些照片。

我知道有些传记作者会讲述他们一生中遭遇的双重压力。比如这种结合可以这样来表达：我很愉快的在实验室书本的空白处上写着，边上是一张有关实验数据的图表，‘今天把它隔离，美丽的纤细的绳子，蛛网在表面下悬浮着，十分精致的植物的卷须，灰白色的，热情的，雅致的DNA！这就是DNA！太漂亮了！’

我很希望成为一个多才多艺的人，那样我才可以很自由的去选择我喜好的领域，比如说自然科学和人文科学。我的思绪在漫游，我睁大眼睛，看着那无穷的空洞和盘旋的曲线。我想飞！让我滆入到空气中，把所有的一切都溶解在我的血液中，学习！

元素是无穷的，但是如果想隔离他们，我只能在药品和写作中看到一片混乱。诀窍是把他们融合成一个整体，然后我可以为他们拍照。啊哈，它已经在那了，不是吗？你看不到吗？我似乎是代达罗斯附身，所以东西都和我融合在一起，希望那能使我解放。

音乐就是这样一种元素。从内部经历管弦乐队的演奏是一次对主观性的调查。这是对海森堡的不确定理论的一次回忆：一颗粒子的运动速度越快，那它的位置就越不确定。事实上，尽管科学是以事实为依据，观察者的位置对于最后的观察结果仍有着很大的影响。我看到当琶音渐渐消失的时候，小提琴手如雨点般的在提琴上演奏，一段竖笛的独奏从Bule渐渐转为Black，之后一段长笛的合奏更是让我们倾倒，短暂的寂静被喇叭声如闪电般打破。也许作为观众，你应该感受到另外一些东西。

我把沉思比作划船。Pshoow, huh, aaah; pshoow, huh, aaah。闭上眼睛我仍然能听到这样的声音。我们在水面上天空的倒映中滑过，然后倾斜。领导者的地位对于我们来说是一种笑话，我们完全不需要领导者，因为我们已经结合为一个整体。我听到浆打在水面上的声音，shunk shunk，这里没有领导者。

我听到所有人发出一种回音。‘不要乱来’，领队说，‘跟着指挥来。’‘不要乱来，’教练说，‘看你前面的人怎么做。’不要乱来。

我写下一些关于性格的词汇：他们怎么使用和操纵词汇，怎么做自己的事情；用一些危险和不礼貌的词语来讨论一些分歧的观点，故意去争论；谈话、词汇和事实的本质。或者我的想法也是异想天开。但是，这些都在词汇中，不管是一个人或者一个地方，总会在词汇中的某个地方。我热爱这些词汇。

我应该成为一名作家，但是我将会做一名医生，而且在哲学的压力外重塑自我。